This is a story of passion and betrayal, of innocence and evil, of tragic, starcrossed love. I offer it as proof that even an AppleSlut has principles.
I can’t believe it was just a year ago I first heard the name. It seems like a lifetime.
I fell in love with the iPhone before we’d even met.
That may not surprise you. You probably did too.
The surprising part is that I’ve never actually had a cell phone before. I’m not kidding.
Yes, I’m a cell-phone virgin, one of maybe six or seven left on the planet. Bizarrely anachronistic, right? Maybe little pathetic? I suppose it is.
I’ve just always thought it was kind of a half-baked technology and figured that something better was bound to come along soon.
And then it did.
[The music swells.]
Enter The iPhone, cloaked in mystery, the sun glinting off its awesome protective shield.
Oh, man. From that very first teasing introduction, I knew this was it. This was the one I’d been saving myself for.
Then the long months of waiting, the torment, the fear that it had all been just a girlish fantasy.
But, finally, there it was, close enough to touch. So powerful, so devastatingly handsome, so unbelievably easy to use.
And there I was, all swoony and virginal and ready to give it up completely, at last. It was just how I’d always imagined it.
But wait, what’s this? Suddenly the vilest, most repulsive creature in the galaxy, oozing nastiness from every pore, steps out from behind the object of my desire and says, “Hey, babe, how bout a little three-way action? It’s a package deal, me and the kid here.”
Then he put me on hold for forty-five minutes, rerouted me to Sri Lanka, and kept sending me bills with bogus charges on them.
How could this be? How could something so beautiful go so horribly, horribly wrong? I couldn’t imagine.
I only knew I had to escape.
Exit Fiona, pursued by the Lord of All Vermin.
And I did escape. But without the phone of my dreams.
Do I feel hurt that the Apple of my iPhone would put me in peril like that? Of course I do.
The sense of betrayal was overwhelming at first. But most days I have faith that sooner or later the evil spell will be broken and the phone I love will be set free.
But until that day I live without.
When people ask me how I survive without a cell phone, I just smile bravely and say “Well, a land line is all I really need.”
This post was written by...
Tony Stocco is a total Apple fanboy - addicted to his iPad, iPhone, iMac, MacBook Pro, Hackintosh and iPod Shuffle... And anxiously waiting to see the new iPhone 5.